How Does an Affair Start?

Why would someone who was cheated on, as a woman, knowingly do that to someone else?

Didn't you feel bad because you had been so hurt finding out about your husbands affair?

Being the "whore" or "side chick" aren't really endearing terms. This isn't what you grow up wanting to be. We've all known one or heard of the notorious "homewrecker". We all haven't been one though. Nobody really inquires or gives a shit about the side of the story of the mistress. Noone cares that there is someone else who is hurting by all that has gone on. We decide that the mistress in anyone's story is the villain. That she is the destroyer of families. Causing permanent damage to children and innocent wives. At least that's what I always thought.

Until I was one.

In 2015 I had a long time best friend that I hung out with all the time. She was a soccer mom that I coached her son. I was an avid runner and spent most of my time coaching, momming, working a full time job an hour away from home and running in what little spare time I did have. My life wasn't bad by any stretch of the imagination.

Sure my husband was a giant piece of shit, sure I had had affairs. None however were with men who were married. I guess that was always my excuse for it being ok. I wasn't hurting anyone, except the person who had hurt me.

My naivety about fidelity and trust in a marriage was gone. I no longer had hopes, goals and dreams for my family. Everything was just pretty bland. I went to work, went to practice and played taxi driver for the kids. Running always was a mood altering exercise for me. My body craved it and still does when life weighs heavy on me. I tried to get in as much running as possible but had zero help with the kids so I didn't have a whole lot of time available. Mitch was no help, he didn't coach, he didn't taxi, he was there more but not really present.

My soccer mommy friend saw from the outside what appeared to be an amazing life. I always boasted about my marriage, my kids, my job, even my salary. Most of which now I can admit was a load of horse shit. I lied, I lied to make myself feel better about all the things I felt insecure about. This is a hard thing to re-read. Noone wants to admit their faults, or failures. I had failed, I was exactly subpar at everything I did. I did it all half assed. I ran, but I smoked, I coached, but didn't really "teach" anything, I taxied the kids and resented Mitch's freedom to do none of it.

What started as an innocent occasional jog with my friend, turned into an every night binge drinking session, until eventually the running stopped all together. We would run at first every other night. Logging miles and minutes, entering races and buying work out gear together. Then we'd run and then stop at the bar on our route and have a drink. Then we just would go to her house, make mixed drinks once a week, skipping a couple workouts. Until eventually, she and I were drinking one or two bottles of vodka a night, every night. I looked forward to it. It helped me escape my feelings of inadequacy. I got up and went to work and started all over the next day. I drove buzzed or drunk home. Justifying by saying it was only "two left turns". I hit a parked car once, blowing it off as "I just didn't see it".

Before I could even recognize it, I was plummeting on a self destructive, life altering spiral. I was out of control and noone could've told me to stop. Funny thing about addiction, addicts always say they "don't have a problem" or "you have a problem with my drinking, I don't". This was me. Mitch occasionally went out with us and by all accounts we appeared to be the perfect couple. To the outside world, we didn't have extraordinary issues.

My absence at home paired with the constant presence of my best friend, seemed to give Mitch permission to start his own fantasy about having sex with me and my friend. We talked to her about it and she was game. We had threesomes, foursomes, swapped with her fiance, all while numbing myself with alcohol. Looking back now, I think this is a terrible idea. You cannot have extra marital relationships and think that your marriage will remain in tact. I don't care who you are or how much you communicate. Women associate love with sex. I always said I didn't, I lied!

I was becoming increasingly jealous of my friends relationship with my husband. He was paying extra attention to her, going out of his way to stop by her office for lunch. He hadn't been that charming in years! I felt left out, but I put on the face of a swinger who was happy, happy, happy with our situation. And continued to drink every single day to numb the pain. I started gaining tons of weight. I went from a healthy runner who weighed about 130 to a fat, lazy drunk who weighed 165 at my highest point. My girlfriend wasn't gaining from our binge drinking, she still looked good. She gave Mitch all the attention she could, she was pursuing what she thought was my perfect life and I didn't even recognize it.

I was lonely and my friend said her brother in law was filling for divorce from her sister. He would go out with us, drove us around, because he didn't drink. Then we started texting and talking about his bad marriage and all he had to lose in a divorce. We became friends. My friend asked me to "date him" to teach him "how to date" that he had never really gone out and had fun before he got married. Mitch appeared to be actively dating my friend, so I said why not, ok.

After a night of drinking and dancing, I went back to Mindys house, I was feeling flattered by the attention her brother was giving me. I hadn't had anyone open doors for me, or tell me how beautiful I was in such a long time. It felt good to feel beautiful, it felt like I was being seen for the first time. This night in January of 2015 I remember like it was yesterday. He sat me up on the edge of the hot tub and ate me out like he'd been starving for weeks. If you've ever had sex in a hot tub you will know what I"m talking about when I say, it's not amazing lol. It's hot and the water and chlorine make your womanly flower dry. He gave me attention I hadn't had in a very long time. I thought it was ok because Mindy had said that her sister was getting divorced. That he was miserable, that he needed to learn to date. This was part of dating right? I was married to a man who was actively looking for a new partner online every single day.

Didn't I deserve to date someone as well? Mitch thought it was a great idea at first to have my very own "partner" in the lifestyle. We agreed that I would date this new guy if Mitch could actively date Mindy. We agreed we wouldn't get feelings for these people and if we did, well we'd just stop the 'dating'. We had alot of things we agreed to, thinking only of ourselves and not the effect these relationships would have on our children, or the wife sitting at home with two kids while her sister was setting up her husbands fuck buddy. What a tangled web we weave when we are in the midst of the dilemma. Looking in from the outside now, reflecting, I can almost see me as Dana saw me. The wife who wondered where the hell her husband was going and with whom. Wondering if she could trust that her very own sister would have her and her kids best interests in mind.

Now I sometimes wish I could apologize to Dana for the damage I caused. I know what I did caused self esteem issues for her, because I've been there. I know I caused her heartache that she would not recover from for years down the line. Probably caused her to reevaluate any relationship she enters into now. What I allowed and what I actively participated in would change the course of all of our lives, forever.