My Addiction

Everyone has something that they could potentially or they are addicted to. My own personal demon is gambling. When I was in my twenties I was one of those people who said I would never gamble more than twenty dollars. Until I won. Now at age 40 I struggle almost weekly with spending my entire paycheck at the casino. I become so immersed in my gambling that I forget what bills I have to pay that week, or what birthday or Christmas gifts need bought. There is no amount of winning that could possibly make me stop either.

Last Friday I won $5,000 and for once I took home all of it. I physically drug myself to my car and went home. Monday rolled around, I went back to the casino, took an entire day of work and lost it all. Then I took myself to the ATM and withdrew more than I had in any of my accounts. Now a week before Christmas I am at negative $750 and growing. I want to slit my wrists.

I'm disgusted with myself! I do have a problem and need to stay away from the casino at all costs. My job is nearby and I had such a flexible schedule with work that I could afford to take entire days off without repercussions.

Luckily for me, I just landed a job making $30,000 more a year and start on January 7th. This will make it very difficult for me to go to the casino at all. I will have to be at work on time and stay the entire day. I won't be able to afford losing that job to cut out and go fuck off. I will be making more, spending less and held accountable for my actions, every single day. I'm nervous and anxious all at the same time. I'm hoping my husband doesn't catch on that I have lost our Christmas nest egg in the matter of six short hours of ridiculous $5 a spin betting.

I hope I can kick this habit. I HAVE to kick this habit. I seriously need help. I'm embarrassed and ashamed. I don't like to talk about it to anyone, I don't want people thinking what a freak I am to just shove hundred dollar bills into a machine over and over and over. Knowing I'm losing thousands.

Do I do it because I think I am immune to the consequences, maybe. Do I do it because my husband has excellent credit, funds always available to bail me out, quite possibly. It is the most ridiculous trait that I have and the most detrimental to our marriage. I started gambling alot when I was married to my ex. The high I would get from winning was like nothing I've ever felt. It is and was a way for me to escape any worries or stress in my life. I completely lose all track of time and am completely at home in just about any casino.

Yesterday was one of the worse losses I have experienced. If it wasn't so close to Christmas it wouldn't bother me as much. I just pissed away what could've been one hell of a Ch

ristmas for my family. I always figure out how to bail myself out, like any addict needing to repair the damage they've caused. Drugs and drinking aren't my weakness. Slot machines are sadly.