Subsequent Scandals

Of course I knew Mitch had been having sex with Haley, other friends confirmed having seen them in bed together. Actually having normal conversation with people at a party after they'd just had sex. The friend who told me this, spared me no details. My heart was feeling things that it never had before. I would take any scraps Mitch would throw my way, if he called I answered, if he wanted to see me, I'd make plans for him to come over. I was probably the most pathetic girl in the eyes of so many people who were witness to this disparaging display.

Of course I knew Mitch had been having sex with Haley, other friends confirmed having seen them in bed together. Actually having normal conversation with people at a party after they'd just had sex. The friend who told me this, spared me no details. My heart was feeling things that it never had before. I would take any scraps Mitch would throw my way, if he called I answered, if he wanted to see me, I'd make plans for him to come over. I was probably the most pathetic girl in the eyes of so many people who were witness to this disparaging display.

I begged him to take me back, to give me another shot. I thought all of his lying and cheating was my fault, that I had caused it by getting pregnant. I felt terrible about myself and just wanted to get back to normal. Eventually, we did get back together. Only to find out he had been talking to girls at other schools. Gotten a random blow job from some girl at a campground his family frequented in the summer. Even had a full on relationship with some girl from a ghetto school with a name I hate to hear to this day, Judy.

I KNEW these things were happening in my head, but my heart is a different brain entirely. He usually denied any accusations I made he was confronted. I would scream and yell and act completely insane and then he'd come clean. Saying how sorry he was, how he'd never do it again. My self confidence was not only destroyed, but the feelings I had about my self worth and appearance were plummeting and fast. For some reason, I really wanted to be the girlfriend of this piece of shit loser, even at the expense of my own pain. It was even as if Mitch was a popular guy at school, he was just the one I lost my virginity to, way back in 8th grade.

I'm sure you can tell by reading any of these entries, I didn't let go of anything that happened. Years into our marriage I would bring up the random blow job, or the sex with Haley while he was lying to my face, or even Judy, the girl with the worse dye job I had ever seen in my life. Add eighteen more years of marital bullshit on top of all of this, we had the perfect recipe for divorce. I just didn't know it yet and when I did finally "know" it, I would deny it.

As my junior year passed and senior year was approaching we were still together and still fighting non-stop. I would flirt or talk to other guys to "get him back" or try to incite the same jealousy I was experiencing. Sometimes it worked and the satisfaction I got from this wasn't nearly what I had hoped it would be. I would full on cheat on him with someone who was a close friend, that knew I was only interested in Mitch, but could see so clearly how badly I was hurting. I always regretted it, but I wanted for him to see what he had done to me and to feel the same heartache.

We were terribly matched and it was quite obvious to anyone viewing it. We continued to muddle through this immature relationship and in January of my senior year of high school Mitch started shopping for engagement rings. He would take me to the mall to look at and try on rings with him. We talked about it non-stop, getting married and moving out of our parents.  

In February he proposed, because I had found the ring, in the top drawer of his dresser. I wouldn't shut up about him proposing, I wanted it so bad. I was THAT girl in your school, who's so lame and insecure that she needs PROOF to show everyone he loved ME!  Thank GOD there wasn't social media back then, ugh I cringe at the thought.

The proposal was rather pathetic and not at all what any girl deserves. This was another point of contention later on in our marriage.  Even though I had found the ring, basically nagging the shit out of him causing a proposal, I still felt I had missed out on this amazing moment every girl should get. He got the ring out of the dresser of his childhood bedroom and very flatly said " so you wanna get married." I said yes with childlike enthusiasm, because let's be real, I was a child. I told my parents, he told his, I walked around school like a total fucking idiot showing off my $200 mall engagement ring. I was even so stupid that I thought the wedding band "wrap" was part of the engagement ring and wore that as well. 

 Adult me looks back on this and the only thing I can think is, you had so much potential, you should of set some goals girl!

By the time prom rolled around, I found myself once again pregnant, but this time it was his. Once again, I was faced with telling my parents on my own, without them discovering it and sparing me the torture. Mitch paid for his half and we decided that I would get the procedure done and go on with our lives.

I have no idea how my parents felt about this. They never had lengthy discussion about it, never threw it in my face and never offered to put me on birth control.   All of high school for some weird reason my parents not once said "hey slutbag, lets go get some pills to prevent this from happening."  They were complacent about this and I don't really know why. I think they were just happy to see the light at the end of the tunnel, I had plans to move out, their job would be done.

We graduated, moved into a small apartment about twenty minutes from our parents and believed we were destined for happiness. Man were we wrong!!! This is the time in our lives where Mitch started traveling real heavy for his dads company.  I did nothing while he was gone. I found myself always waiting to do things for "when he gets home".  I continued to do this throughout our marriage, something I've always regretted. So many things I missed out on, waiting for him to get home. After a year of living together and almost calling it quits one final time, I discovered I was pregnant, at nineteen.  It was 1997, we had been out of school for not even a year and it was time to start adulting.

What a fucking shit show our lives were turning out to be.