Once a cheater, always a cheater.

As the old adage goes, once a cheater, always a cheater. I am a firm believer that people who are genuinely happy with their partner don't go looking for new partners. I was faithful and true to my husband for years. Month upon month of living alone as a single mom, all while he was traveling the world for work.

I cannot even count the number of birthdays, holidays, first moments, school events, school programs and sporting events that this guy missed! I was mom and dad. I worked outside the home. My girls were in daycare and my own parents were young so I didn't get relief from them to have ME time. My in-laws were just about as selfish as they come. Yes, I had known them since I was thirteen and yes, they loved their grandchildren. From afar, like at their own houses, where they didn't have to be responsible for them.

I was resentful, tired, angry and so lonely in those days. My daughter Molly, formed a belly full of anger over all the moments her dad missed. Those years she was younger than school age, she would hide when he came home for a week out of four or five months. She would eventually warm up to him after two or three days. Sometimes he'd would only be home for a week, until he was on to the next job, sometimes he'd be home a month. We just never knew what the schedule was. His stepmom worked at the shop with his dad and managed the schedule. She didn't really think it was important for a young father to be home with his young family. She would often send him to third world countries, like Egypt, India and China. Not even considering her own daughter-in-law and granddaughter in her planning. It was all about them making money for them. (More on that later.)

Back in the early years we didn't have cell phones and there wasn't texting for us to keep in contact. I would work all day, take care of baby Molly and then hope that Mitch would call, sometimes in the middle of the night, time change being ridiculous along with a delay in receiving his words. When he would finally call once or twice in the months of his absence, I would be short and shitty with him, I was angry at all the responsibility I carried. I was angry he was in exotic locations, I was angry I didn't get the new family moments everyone else gets and I was angry he didn't seem to care. I found out later, he wasn't really cut out for the full time dad and husband thing, he just forgot to tell me that's why he traveled so much.

As my resentment grew, I became complacent when he was home, our relationship became more of roommates. Where I was a storage locker for his memories of his children and of the stuff he didn't need when he was away. He had all of these amazing travel experiences on his own that I wasn't a part of. When he would talk about his travels, or the people and culture I would tune out or roll my eyes as if to say "Could you please shut the fuck up, I could care less." I know he was working to support our family, blah blah blah, I still felt like he sacrificed our relationship and the relationship with our daughters to chase after his own wants and desires.

Of course we had good days where I was so completely in love and we were THE couple everyone wanted to be. We kept up with our friends from school and no one could believe how rock solid our marriage was. I put makeup on, did my hair and plastered on a fake fucking smile for the world to see. I had had suspicions he was cheating on me all the way back to our first five years of marriage. I just never had proof. (see above where we had no cell phones). Someone would mention a woman "stealing his hat" in Sweden and his face would pale and he'd change the subject. Or a mention of him being at a bar after his friends left and they'd ask him "how long did you and her stay." I'd turn to look at him and see him shaking his head as if to say "stop my wife is right here!" I would of course question him and then I'd be the crazy one, I was paranoid, I was the bitch. Even though he had a nasty habit of taking off his wedding ring often, because "it didn't mean anything to him," was what he would say when questioned.

I had nowhere to turn in those days so I didn't search too hard to see if he was sleeping with other women. I was comfortable in my house that we just built with my young toddler and myself. I started to enjoy the times when he was gone. Nothing was expected of me, I didn't have to cook for him, I didn't have to clean or do laundry. I started to build a wall around my heart and try to keep myself busy from wondering what was really going on. In the early years, I was sweeter than I am now. I trusted more of what he said and didn't question anyone else out of the fear of embarrassment. I guess it just all boiled down to not WANTING to know.

In the early years there were a couple strange things that happened that caused me to question his fidelity to me. He was out of town working in Los Angeles and when he got back I noticed a large charge on my credit card. I asked Mitch what it was for, he said its a surprise. So I waited a few weeks and never got a gift or anything that would explain the high charge he had put on my credit card. So finally, I had asked what it was, he said he had purchased me a loose diamond. I went to work the next day and googled the address on the statement, it was a strip club. I immediately phoned him at work and asked what the fuck he was doing using our family credit card at a strip club. He continued with his lies, saying he ran in there to get cash out of their ATM, I called and they had no ATM. His story then changed one last time, he said a gentleman at a strip club had gotten belligerent and had smashed and broke a table. By the time his story was all over, he was asked to pay for the table because he had been in his own words, in the wrong place at the wrong time. This was a fight we had that was probably no more than four years into our marriage. I wanted so badly to believe him, that he was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Reality of it is, he was probably exactly where he put himself, in a chair, with a stripper, bouncing her tits and ass in his face.

I was young and by all rights a single mom 75% of the time. My friends were all young and living their life at college or at the bar and I was raising our daughter. My husband was young and traveling for work and living his twenties without me. I carried all of the burden and got none of the fun, I was starting to fucking hate him and his job, and in turn his dad and stepmom who owned the company he worked for.