Sexual Deviant

In the urban dictionary the definition of a sexual deviant is sexual behavior that deviates from the norm.

This is a very broad definition, especially if you're from a very small Midwestern farming town. In our area a sexual deviant could be a woman who's had two abortions in her lifetime, or someone who has participated in an extra marital affair, even someone who simply likes how they look having sex in the mirror at home. In other areas, this behavior may be normal. Either way the lifestyle or "swinging" is considered very deviant in our town.

According to the Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality (EJHS), there is no standard definition of “swinging”, though it can be defined as “a context in which married couples, or couples in committed relationships, consensually exchange partners solely for sexual purposes”. They further describe it as keeping the primary love relationship at the forefront of any encounters and maintaining emotional monogamy with the primary love interest. According to the study, in swinging, “sexual activity is considered as recreational sex only and ideally does not affect the primary relationship of the couple”.

After being involved in the lifestyle with my ex-husband I can tell you first hand, no sex for women is recreational only. There isn't a single thing in my life that destroyed my

self- worth more than being involved in swinging. My husband would get so excited to go to our local swingers club. He would plan for days and later in our relationship he would encourage me to wear sexier clothes, shave my asshole completely, even to drink stronger alcohol to "loosen up". If you have known anyone who was involved in this just know that it may have started out as an exciting curiosity. The women who take part in these activities, if they're like me, middle aged, had children, not a size 2 and with normal size boobs are feeling so insecure and so threatened. Drugs and alcohol numb those feelings to a point while it's happening but the day after I always felt so extremely dirty and ashamed my marriage had come to this.

I used to think everyone should at least go check out a swingers club just to see what it's like. After all that has happened to me, I now feel that married couples should keep their sex life as sacred and private as possible. Extra marital affairs with permission are just as damaging as secret physical and emotional affairs.

In 2007 for our tenth wedding anniversary we made plans to go to our first swingers club. I got online, searched around for one that would be far enough away, that we shouldn't know anyone. I paid the $50 membership fee, got the secret directions to the downtown location and anxiously awaited for Saturday night. There were many rules for this swingers club, you had to have proper identification, you had to come to a door knock twice and they would buzz you in and only a certain number of single men were allowed, apparently single men are threatening to relationships. However, single women were welcomed with no cover charge and encouraged to attend, they are even considered "unicorns" in the lifestyle. Like a mythical creature that is hard to obtain. Later I would come to realize, these unicorns were the biggest threat to your relationship.

Saturday night finally arrived, my husband was obviously very excited. He had read stories and articles about how THIS was how men finally got the threesome you've always fantasized about. I had done some research as well, read articles about how this could save your marriage. How it could strengthen a bond that you had with your spouse by sharing this amazing experience. Total bullshit! Sure it was exciting and sure you would consume a large amount of alcohol and sometimes drugs to enhance, AKA; Get you through it. Who doesn't like to dress sexy and have people interested and flirting openly with them? It's an ego boost at first. "Look honey, that guy over there I think he's staring at me."

I dressed in a short little school girl skirt, the damn thing even had pleats, a tight, extremely low cut top and knee high heeled boots. This however would not be the most provocative outfit we would see, by far. When we arrived the building was in a tall downtown five or six story brownstone. We found the door and knocked twice, our names were requested and the buzzer let us in. Climbing up two flights of stairs I thought here we go, I sure hope I look good enough, I hope my ass looks tight, I hope I'm not the ugliest person in here. We had our cooler of alcoholic beverages and condoms in our pockets. Arriving in the lobby they take your drivers license and match it up with your "event registration".

Putting our cooler behind the bar a busty woman with size H boobs, not even an exaggeration, politely asked us if we wanted a tour. Of course we wanted a tour, we came for the full experience. Jan, our tour guide explained to us how every room had a door and the door could be locked and could be private if we chose. Every room had rubber wipe down covered beds, clear glass windows in doors and even a shower for afterwards. Condoms littered the tables, baby wipes, towels and sanitizing tanning bed spray were on display.

The main area was set up more like a bar with pub tables, a stripper pole and a dance floor. They even had a buffet for dinner and televisions broadcasting porn! Who in the HELL is going to eat at a swingers club while watching 1970's hairy bush porn? I knew I surely would not!

We took a seat at a high pub table ordered a drink from the bartender, out of our own cooler and patiently waited for the deviant guests to arrive. Early in the evening people are kind of stiff and stand offish, ummm it's because they're still sober. By the time midnight hits and everyone has been drinking heavily for several hours, people become friendly to the point of aggressive.

The first encounter we had was a homely couple who had obviously been members for the club as long as they had been married. They boldly came up to our table and the first thing they said was "I'm Jess and this is Mike, do you guys soft swap or hard swap?" None of the reading or research that we had done prepared us for this question. My face was that of a deer in the headlights, "ummm I'm not really sure what that is, Mitch?"

"We're new to this, what does that mean exactly?" he said. Jess then proceeded to tell us soft swapping was if you "watched, kissed and touched but only had sex with your person and hard swapping was full on having sex with my husband, you know swapping partners."

"We soft swap only." I said. I had no interest in full on sex with strangers. This was my first experience, I had been married eight years, he cheated on me with people I hadn't even met, I can't possibly watch him have sex with anyone. My insecurities were in high gear, my relationship was feeling threatened.

Mitch wasn't convinced we were soft swap only. He wanted more information from Jess and Mike. I wanted to sink into the floor. As the night went on the couples around us started retreating to the "private rooms" as they were called. You could hear the moaning and ass slapping going on all around us My husband took my hand and said lets walk around and see what's going on. In the first room we came to, there was a traffic jam of people in the hallway oogling into an open door. I edged my way around to peer inside, there was a couple in their forties actively having sex, no clothes, no modesty, just two over weight individuals going at it. That boosted my confidence a little and I felt embarrassed for them. I was twenty seven and knew I looked better than THAT! I was tipsy and Mitch was feeling good to.

The last room we came to was a large room with a big round bed in the middle. There were probably four couples having a full on orgy. Someone saw us, asked us to come in, they weren't terrible looking. I could do this I thought, just be fun and flirty, you're obviously pretty enough to get an invite. Having sex with each other in this room full of other couples, touching their spouse and mine, I felt like this might work out for us. It went on longer than your normal married couple sex at home does. It was like being in a porn video, it was exciting and what I thought at the time, very liberal of me. I knew no one could ever know that we did this.

At one point, I was done, I wanted to be done and get out of that room. It was like the exertion sobered me up almost immediately. What the hell was I doing here? How do I get myself clothed and out of this room? Is it rude to get up and leave? I had never even had a one night stand so I didn't know what the etiquette was for this. After getting dressed and having obligatory conversation and introductions to people I had no interest in getting to know. We gathered up our cooler and headed to the truck. We had an hour drive home and probably shouldn't of been driving.

Alright, we had experienced the swingers club, I was adventurous, can we please not do this again? I was confused on that ride home. Did my husband just feel excited about the prospect of seeing me with someone else? Was I excited and turned on by seeing him touching and lusting after another woman? Was she prettier than me? Mitch broke my thoughts almost immediately "When's the next event, we should try this again, I think that was fun, did you have fun?"

I knew we had to set some guidelines. Someone had asked me "What are your rules?" Rules, there are rules? This wife was trying to help, I know that, but I didn't know about rules. When it became clear that Mitch was going to encourage me to continue this, we had to set some rules. And so it began.

Some couples/people engage in full sexual play (of all types) on one end on the spectrum, while others on the other end of the spectrum are content to just attend swinger events and watch from the sidelines.