Why Do We Stay?

I have often heard people, with absolutely zero experience say "I would never stay with a cheater. I would get a divorce if it ever happened to me."

I was one of those people in my younger, more naive, life is so easy years. I truly believed if I ever found out my husband was cheating on me, that it would be easy to pack my stuff, move to some more exotic, than Ohio location. LOL! Funny right!

Relationships aren't easy. Sure planning a wedding is fun. You never walk down the aisle thinking man in five or ten years I'm going to hate the shit out of this guy. No, you walk down the aisle gleaming with tears in your eyes. Happiness overflowing, you literally have skittles falling out of your ass! This may be the happiest time of your life, it may be the only time you actually feel connected to this person.

If you married young like I did, the possibilities are endless. You're really growing up with your partner. We were children, we had no clue what the fuck we were doing. I honestly don't even think we knew what love was. We were honestly destined for failure from the start. Marriage wasn't as meaningful to him, he had divorced parents, I don't think it was forever for him, it was for now. Divorce I think, was always an option to him. For me, marriage was forever, my parents fought for their marriage. I would fight for mine. I just wish I would've had someone tell me I didn't HAVE to fight for someone who didn't respect or value me.

So what do you do if you suspect your partner is cheating on you? I can't answer that for you, I can only tell you the mistakes that I made and WHY they were mistakes. Mitch traveled most of our married lives. I started to feel fat, frumpy, unappreciated, not as glamorous as he was with his worldly job and responsibilities. I was a mom with a full time job, that gave me zero satisfaction. I always had to sacrifice my career to be close to home, in case the kids got sick, or the house caught on fire. My life was much more complicated than his. He was responsible for a construction project and that is the extent of his adult responsibilities. Yes he traveled, yes I'm sure it was stressful. Come on, how hard is it to pack and unpack, order dinner or go to a restaurant, to take clients out, to do whatever the fuck you wanted all the time! I WAS BITTER AND ANGRY AND ALONE!

If we would've had the time to be newlyweds, would we of made it? Maybe, but we will never know. When you travel for work and spend large amounts of time away from your family, I think you forget you aren't single. Now that I am much older, I can see where we made some crucial mistakes. I should've demanded he wear his wedding ring. We should've nurtured our relationship and put US first. The affairs and problems in our marriage were inevitable.

So back to my question, why do you stay? Well for me the very first time I even suspected he was cheating I had no proof. I accused him with a "feeling" I said. Of course he dismissed my concerns as paranoid, lonely, crazy even. I would say I wanted him to wear his ring, that I didn't appreciate how he seemed embarrassed to be married. He would say a ring makes you more appealing to some women, that a ring means nothing. If I would've waited and had proof before I let the crazy out things may have been different, but probably not. I really only hurt myself, made myself crazy.

Mitch had finally taken a new job, to shut me up after years of bitching about him being on the road. This job had some travel, but he wasn't gone for months at a time. He was gone for a week or two and THAT I thought I could handle. Then August 15th came that first year he worked at his new job. He was in Vegas and would only be gone for seven days tops! August 15th is my birthday and will forever be a date of significance. I came home from work expecting to spend another birthday with just my girls at home. Mitch's mom called and said to come on over that he had had them get me a cake. He called early after work and told me happy birthday and I was so pleased with the effort he had gone to. At the end of the day, after I'd put the girls to bed, I tried to call him a few times. Just to touch base and discuss our day and the girls, he didn't answer. This wasn't a really big deal because I knew he was working crazy hours and working hard manual labor for the project he was on.

The next day I didn't hear from him, I tried calling again in the morning and nothing. Two days later it was time to pick him up at the airport. I gathered up the girls, headed to the airport, excited and anxious to have my husband home again. When he got in the car he was "off". He didn't say anything to make me suspicious, or do anything, it was just the way he carried himself, the way he looked out the window while I was driving home. I asked if something was wrong and he said no just tired. That's a reasonable answer when you've been traveling. I didn't think another thing about it.

Until that evening when his cell phone started ringing and he ignored it. Immediately sent it to voicemail. I picked up his phone when he walked to the bedroom, checked the number and simply asked "Who was that?" If he would've named someone, like oh that's Scott or that's Jim from such and such a company, I probably wouldn't have pressed. His response however, I don't know I work with so many people in Vegas how am I supposed to know who it is. This sent alarm bells inside my skull. I went to the computer, typed in the phone number and reverse looked it up. All I got was that this was a cell phone. Well that is not proof, everyone has cellphones. I took the phone to him standing in the kitchen and said Mitch who is this? Just be honest and tell me who this is calling you. He continued to lie and skirt around my questions.

Finally, I dialed the number for myself. Up to this point I had only suspected, I never had proof. I heard whispers of co-workers, I got wind of instances where he was alone with other women or I saw pics of him with his arms around some girl, or a random email from a woman stating "I can't wait to see you again." (more on that at a later time) The phone rang a couple of times and then a perky female voice said "Hey how are you I haven't heard from you so thought I'd call are you ok?" The first time I hung up I was stunned, my heart immediately shattered. Why did I deserve this, I stayed at home with my girls, I did the housework, I worked a god damn full time job and this, this is what I get to deal with! I can feel that evening like it was just last night. When I hung up I simply said who is it, did you fuck her and how many times have you done this to me?

More lies, always more lies. He said he had gone out to dinner, gotten drunk "made out with her, her name is Rose, she's fat and ugly" blah blah blah. I made him call her while I was standing right there. I made say to her "I apologize for representing myself as a single man. I am married, I have two children and I know its hard to find a good guy but I am taken and I'm sorry." I did this because I KNOW this is HIS fault. I know he is the one who took that fucking wedding ring off once again, because its just a ring right? I wanted this Rose person to know she didn't get ghosted on, this wasn't her fault this guy didn't call her back, he simply went home to his real life.

After hours of screaming and yelling and crying, I got into my car and told him "you get to go fuck around so I'm going to show you how it feels" I headed to the nearest bar and drank every shot put in front of me. Mitch called our friend concerned that I'd do something or wreck my car or quite possibly go sleep with a random stranger. Jason showed up, threw me physically over his shoulder and took me home. I was a mess, my life was shattered, my relationship would never be the same and I knew in my heart Mitch had slept with Rose and probably many many others.

I am a person who has to know every single detail, I have one hundred questions and you better answer them correctly and what I believe is the truth. Mitch stuck with his "I didn't sleep with her" story for years to follow. He did say it was the night of my birthday, only because I put it together, with the missed phone calls. Of course I threatened a divorce and taking his children away. Typical responses of the mother being cheated on.

I believed his lies, I believed it when he said I didn't pay enough attention to him. I believed him when he said it would never happen again. I believed him when he said he couldn't quit this job, that it wasn't the traveling that caused this. I cried often, wanted to talk and fight about it often, in the middle of the night, on the phone when he called from somewhere else, during the day while we were both working. I always asked, are you going to cheat on me, are you going to wear your wedding ring, did you sleep with Rose, just tell me if you did.

Until he finally said, "I cannot help you, YOU NEED TO GET THE FUCK OVER IT." He was not talking about it anymore and it was mine and mine alone to deal with. The knowledge that someone had been intimate with my husband ate at my soul. I changed in the matter of one night and one terrible discovery. I will never be the same person.

Soooo, why did I stay? There was nowhere for me to go. He traveled and I had our brand new house all to myself. I got his paycheck direct deposited into our joint account. I had two young girls to worry about. I thought we could get past it. That it really would never happen again. That if I was somehow better, nicer, smarter, more conscious of his feelings, sexier, skinnier, cleaned the house more, worked out more, something, anything I did better would somehow fix this. Outwardly I blamed him but inside I felt inadequate and to blame. I didn't have anyone to talk to, I was ashamed.

I didn't tell my parents for months. I didn't want anyone to know my husband cheated on me, that our perfect marriage was a joke. Although I suspect plenty of people already knew.

Now that I'm older I think I should've gotten help for myself. I slipped into a self destructive phase and had no one to pull me out. I put on a smile, pulled up my big girl panties, marched out into the world every day, letting no one see my shame. The affair really gave me license to do whatever I wanted. When he screamed at me to GET OVER IT, a switch went off inside me that decided I would get over it and I will destroy you while I'm doing it. Problem is, I destroyed all of us. It just became a vicious cycle of who could hurt who more. Who was right and who started it.