Wondering, How Did I Get Here?

Sometimes I look at where my life is now and everything I have been through. I don't even know where to begin. I have often been told, all the things that have happened to you, you should write a book. Up to this point, I haven't really thought my life was all that extraordinary. But, at 40 years old, with an adult daughter, a teen daughter, a grand-daughter on the way, three step-kids, a step-daughter in-law and a step granddaughter, I think maybe its time to jot down some remarkable events that exemplify just "How I got here".

At thirteen years old when I was in school, with a large group of friends, a steady boyfriend, a bright future and parents who were more than just mediocre, I never would of guessed that my boyfriend, turned husband, would travel the world without me, cheat on me, reconcile with me, become sex obsessed and eventually get caught by my daughters having sex with my best friend. Nor did I know that all my beliefs about "marriage being forever" would be destroyed in that single instance of betrayal.

At twenty, when I had my first daughter, after two abortions in my teen years, I never would have thought I could love someone so unconditionally as I love her. I had no idea how unprepared I was to have children, to be married at the age of nineteen, to build a house at the age of twenty. Life was thrust upon me so quickly at such a young age, all by my own choices. It's hard not to look back now and wonder what might of been. Where would I be right now if I would've made very different decisions?

I was very young and naive and believed that I was different than any other statistic. That LOVE was enough! The amount of trauma my husbands affairs caused me and the change each instance brought to my personality is so hard to describe.

The first time I had actual confirmation and proof he was cheating occurred on my birthday of all days. It triggered a downward spiral that would last years. Pain that I have not quite gotten over even after nearly five years of divorce. I was so naive, that he was working all over the world, for months at a time and being faithful to me. I was home raising children, not doing a single thing without our daughters, not five minutes of alone time. While he lived out of suitcases in sometimes exotic beautiful locations. I grew very angry and resentful after so many years of neglect and emotional trauma.

When I was 25 and my cheating husband had suggested we go to a "swingers club" for our anniversary. I had no idea it was more than just curiosity that made him want to "try this out". Nor did I know, that ten years down the road, he'd still be actively pursuing people to "swap" with. I didn't know at the time how this would affect my already low self-esteem. I didn't know that this would come up some thirteen years later when we were fighting for custody of our teenage daughters.

I had no idea that when I became friends with a fellow soccer mom, at the age of 32, that I would gain the most wonderful best friend I had ever had. That our personalities would be so in sync. We would go on runs together every day, go out together on the weekends, teach our children to call each other "Aunt so-and-so" and would ultimately annihilate each others lives from the inside out. Eventually causing divorces, break-ups, but also causing me to meet the most amazing man I have ever met in my life. That this one relationship with Mindy would change my entire life and the life of her own family as well.

I am no Saint, I have made my fair share of mistakes. Deep down beneath it all, I am a good friend, a good daughter, mother, wife and confidant. I made mistakes along the way, HUGE mistakes! Hurting people I love and people who didn't even know who I was, dismantling the family of an innocent wife and mother simply because I wanted her husband. I feel regret for the hurtful things that I've done to others simply because I was hurting. The one thing I will say though is if I had to do it all over again to get to where I am, I absolutely, without a doubt, would. Maybe taking a different route to the same destination though.

Sometimes you just need to get it out there, put it down on paper, let others know they aren't the only ones who have made life altering mistakes, not the only ones who have behaved so selfishly and so destructively to even their most beloved children. This blog will be my answer to my burning question "How did I get here?"

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